DIVORCE IN THE NIGERIAN AND WEST AFRICAN COMMUNITIES IN THE UNITED STATES

Divorce in the Nigerian and West African Immigrant Communities in the united States


Divorce is universal, meaning that divorce happens all over the world. Even in Biblical times,divorce was around and Jesus himself answered questions on the subject. Why then has divorce taken a whole new angle in the new immigrant communities in the United States. In the African immigrant communities, especially West African and more specifically Nigerian, the divorce rates have escalated and so have spousal abuse and homicides. In one year alone, up to five women died at the hands of their husbands. Most of the victims were Nurses. Discussions in chat rooms and mail fora display a variety of views and opinions on this very serious subject. Cultural influences weigh in heavily. Back in the homelands in West Africa, marriages were and are still mostly family affairs where the families and extended families of the couple are all involved to a certain extent in the marriage. When problems come and every attempt to save it fails, and a marriage must end, the families are again involved and the divorce is settled with mutual respect and the familes usually part as friends and the man and woman go their seperate ways,to remarry or do whatever they choose to do with their lives. Being Igbo, I am looking at this subject from the Igbo cultural perspective.The Igbo people take marriage very seriously and go through many customary steps to set up a marriage and when a marriage breaks up,there are also special customs which must be fulfilled to bring the marriage to a close. Over the last three decades, many Nigerians started putting down roots in the United States. It used to be that most of them got their education and then moved back to their homeland. A combination of many factors changed that trend and Africans,mostly Nigerians settled down after college with hopes of moving back to the homeland someday.Political and economics downturns are some of the factors contirbuting to the flight from the homeland by middle class Nigerians, even increasing the population of the Exiles. Many Nigerians have now reared or are having and raising their children here in the United States. At the same time, they remain a life line for their families and extended families in the homeland. This unusual set up tend to put a lot of stress on relationships and marriages. Here you have a family not fully settled because of plans to relocate back to the homeland someday, raising children, paying college tuition and bearing heavy burdens for family members thousands of miles away,and sometimes trying to set up homesteads in the homeland while maintaining one in the United States. As the burden of this way of life started taking its toll, marriages started succumbing just as domestic violence and spousal homicide became occurences that keep repeating. Money and finances are at the top of the causes of marital problems in these groups, not surprisingly. Alarmed, Nigerians are trying to cope with the burden of this problem which has drawn undesirable attention to the community already dealing with image problems. Women are given almost all the blame for the trend and quite unfairly too. Most divorced women are not vocal on this matter for fear of taking insults and criticisms. For the few who dare to speak up and live freely like normal people, the insult, both verbal and otherwise dished out to them by some people both men and women who feel that marriages collapse because the wives are inadequate as women and as wives. The probability of the cause of a divorce being a woman or man's fault is like the probablity of having a pregnant woman having a male or female baby. As painful as the unwarranted charges are, the real blow comes when serious intimidation is employed to keep such women quiet and miserable. Taunting, mocking, name calling and other methods are used to stifle these women. Sometimes, private lives are openly discussed and ridiculed. The feelings, interests, and privacy of the children are totally ignored. Swipes are often taken at each other by couples with marital problems on the internet, with each putting out private information, often laced with lies and half truths. The shocking revelations beget more resentment which in turn, at the urging of some of the readers and commentators, more ugliness is published at the expense of the writer, the subject and the children. The commentators add fuel to the fire, and most of the time without knowing the details, they take sides whether fairly or unfairly. The sad thing which most people miss is that being right or having more support does not in anyway change the situation. Only losers come out of divorces, no winners at all. The marriage may be already over, almost over or heading to the rocks. Instead of stepping in to stop the storm and save the marriage, or make the inevitable seperation and subsequent divorce cordial and peaceful as is the way in the homeland, the community resorts to criticism and antagonism. No mechanisms of intervention are in place, no education or discussion of the impact of living in a new culture or environment on marriages, are taking place. Most of the talk is on shifting blame and condemning, using culture, and bible verses,some of the time out of context, and even when not relevant to every situation. Change is coming very slowly. From the chat rooms and forum discussions, some of the problems and isues leading to the high rate of divorce and spousal homicide in Nigerian communities have at least been mentioned. As this year 2008 draws to an end, only one case of spousal homicide was reported, one too many, but a great improvement, none the less. The ideal thing is zero spousal homicide, reduced violence and divorce rates.
Ndi Igbo (Igbo people) have a saying --"mpempe ndu ka mpempe onwu nma" meaning that " a little peace of life is better than a little piece of death". If a divorce will save a life or lives, then so be it.
Hopefully, the rates of domestic violence and spousal homicide in the Nigerian communities will continue to drop. I hope that 2009 will roll in a new era of preventive actions through objective discussions on intervention through counselling, education, and town union sessions dedicated solely to families and family needs.
Chinwe A. Enemchukwu
November 2008.


Related: relationships, nigerians, family, divorce, counselling, children